Thursday, April 8th, 2010
Mmm, Bacon Baby Formula
The slogan of J&D’s Foods is “Everything should taste like bacon.” The company makes Bacon Salt, Baconnaise (mayonnaise), Bacon Pop (popcorn), Bacon Ranch (salad dressing), Bacon Lip Balm, and MMMvelopes (envelopes with sealing glue that tastes like bacon).
So, why not sell bacon baby formula, too?
J&D’s other bacon-themed products are apparently real.
The bacon formula was announced on the company’s website and in a news release filled with a lot of interesting factoids. It’s still visible on this linked fake sales page.
The sales pitch began with a genuine quote lifted from the website of the famous Dr. Sears, reciting the importance of fat consumption for early brain development.
Then the bacon-loving company wrote:
So we consulted with pediatricians and began to experiment with drying and grinding bacon into a fine powder, then applying a patent-pending process to concentrate this powder into the most essential nutrients and ingredients for brain development. This potential infant superfood was then added to a test subject’s infant formula.
The results were absolutely impressive. By the age of 4 months, our test subject started to exhibit some amazing abilities including walking and talking. By 6 months of age, she could read and memorize her early stage children’s books and showed an extreme level of coordination and balance – so much so that she was enrolled in gymnastics and ballet with children 5 years older than she was! At two years old, she read her first 300 page book, memorized the Declaration of Independence and (this is absolutely true) began composing her first symphony.
Now, it’s absurd to put real bacon in baby formula, but why the hell not make bacon-flavored formula? I mean, assuming babies actually like the flavor.
J&D’s could also produce bacon-flavored teething rings, bacon-scented diaper wipes and butt paste, bacon jelly (PB&BJ) and expand into global markets with Kosher Baby Bacon Formula.