Comments on: Teaching children to shut up

By: Joe

Joe — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:30:59 +0000

Conflict leads to conflict resolution, then growth. Worrying that other parents are filling their children with beliefs that they will then espouse to other children, thus damaging those other children, is kinda silly. You don’t have to like it, but as long as man is a social creature, it is to be expected.

By: Dallas

Dallas — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:54:08 +0000

I grew up with a funeral director father and a mother who taught Human Sexuality on a college level. I asked the big questions early. I was probably the only 2nd grader in my small town who knew how babies were made. I also heard some interesting things about Dad’s job when Mom asked, “How was work today?”

My Mother was very adamant with me, when explaining sex, that it was a “very special discussion” that Mommies and daughters shared, and that if the subject ever came up, to tell the other child, “My Mother says that’s something you need to talk to your parents about, not with me.” As for death, causes of, processes of grieving, etc., my Dad taught me to say, (especially when asked some of the more inquisitive questions), “Death is a very personal subject, and not something I really need to talk about, why don’t you ask your family about it.”

I believe there was one time when a teacher innocently asked me “Was it Mr. X. Jr. who died, or Mr. X. Sr.?” and I told her to ask her family about it, it was a personal subject! ;-)

All that aside, I think the best answers to teach a child when debatable subjects arise is always, “People have different opinions for different reasons, and we decide what is right for our family, while your family will decide what is right for them.”

By: grouchy mama

grouchy mama — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:53:49 +0000

Well…I think it’s ok to teach your child to speak up for what they think is right. Certainly, there is a time to keep things to yourself, but, there is also a time to say, no, I disagree. The thing with children is, they are still learning the right time and place. I think you should talk to this child’s parents, because, what a perfect lesson about how their words scared the other children….

Gertie, I like the response examples that you gave. However, I’m wary of teaching my daughter too much about being “polite” and too little about being “honest”.

Always a dilemma….

Thanks for the thoughtful post, AJ.

By: Mariana Perri

Mariana Perri — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:20:10 +0000

Loved the topic… I always try to keep “grown up” subjects away from my child… They tend to give their own interpretation to what they hear…

By: gertie

gertie — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:43:37 +0000

I have heard first graders say things such as “That’s family business, I don’t really talk about it.” “I’m supposed to tell you to ask your mom*.” and “My family does something different, but that’s okay.” All of these comments were made in regard to religious observances, but I think they could work and other situations.

Teaching kids when to shut up is not just a polite thing for parents to do, but it’s also an important social skill for the kids to learn. Great article!

*I’d add ‘or dad’, of course.

By: Mary

Mary — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 01:37:56 +0000

While I agree with you that there is a time and a place for keeping your mouth shut, children included, we cannot control what our children will say. We can only influence them and hope to instill the right and wrong things to say in situations like this. The parent of this child may or may not have told their child not to share why they aren’t getting vaccinated. Ultimately, the child decided to say something, regardless of any prior warnings not to (or lack thereof). In the matters of children, I agree that we need to teach them when is the right time to speak up and when it the right time to hold back. Often, we see comedy shows, or even witness in life, a child saying something that you would otherwise have them not. Such as when a child reveals something they heard Mommy or Daddy say about someone else to that person. Or how about some embarrassing fact about yourself? Or how about that slip of some profane word you wish you didn’t say around your son or daughter? In this instance, it is very probably that the parents didn’t explain to their child about keeping quiet. In which case, they should have to prevent other children from any undue stress or worry.

By: My Boaz's Ruth

My Boaz's Ruth — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:40:08 +0000

*THUMBS UP* June.

Not just vaccination, but many different subjects when parenting is involved.

By: june

june — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:28:50 +0000

I think generally in these situations the kids are talking just like their parents do. And it’s awfully hard to convince parents to teach their kids to be respectful when the parents themselves are not. I’ve had parents say all of the above–and much worse–to me when they found out that I do vaccinate.

By: Allison

Allison — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:00:16 +0000

I wish that all parents were as thoughtful about these things as you and the others commenting on this post are. I wish that all parents did teach their children to respect other peoples beliefs and choices but sadly I don’t think that is the case. Which is why it is important to also teach our children how to respond to people who are over stepping the bounds and not respecting the beliefs and choices of others.

I have heard enough of crazy accusations surrounding the H1N1 vaccinations that I have maybe become a little too cynical but I am inclined to think the parents of that particular child may have felt their child should not shut up but continue to “speak the truth”.

By: KGS

KGS — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:40:49 +0000

I wonder how the anti-vaccine child’s parents felt about that situation. It’s sometimes hard to predict when and how our words will come spilling out of our kids’ mouths in the most awkward ways, although I hope I would have seen that one coming.

We had some tense moments in line for seasonal flu shots last month when an 8 year old in front of us started having hysterics. “Why is she crying?” asked my 3 year old (who’s never had a problem with shots but had clearly begun to be scared). The “big kid” wailed that she was afraid of shots, and the eyes of other young kids in line started to grow huge… I asked the older child if she was afraid of sharks (my daughter is) and she said no. We spent the rest of the wait discussing how some people were afraid of sharks and not shots and vice versa and averted group hysteria, thank goodness. There’s nothing quite like kids’ group immunizations!