Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
Missed Educational Opportunity
This morning I was eating breakfast with my family when there was a ear-splitting explosion over our heads. A hole a good three-feet in diameter appeared in the roof above our table as dust and debris rained down upon us. It totally ruined my Cheerios.
Wiping my tearing dust-filled eyes, I could barely make out two muscular green feet standing on our table. I didn’t need to look up. I dared not look up. I knew what was happening.
The loudest, most commanding, most fearful yell was summoned from deep in my lungs as I waved off my wife and daughter: “Get out of here! Now that he’s seen you, he can’t let you go. Just run! Get out! Run! Run!”
I dove for my 18-month-old son — locked helpless and crying in his feeding chair — to shield him. You never know how you’re going to react in an emergency situation, but thankfully I was all selfless bravery, intrepid courage, real comic book hero material. Just as I reached my son, the steely sharp teeth of an Alien Brain Cruncher ripped into my fleshy scalp.
Or maybe I just stood up too fast and hit my head on a kitchen cabinet. Same difference.
It was that damn La Victoria taco sauce. I shopped at WinCo Foods yesterday where my precious taco sauce is $2 cheaper per bottle than anywhere else in town. We save 25 cents to $3 per item, any item, by shopping there (and WinCo is not one of those stores that sells expired food).
So there I was this morning putting away groceries that were still left out from last night, sitting on the kitchen floor dutifully locating space for 12 bottles of taco sauce. Hey dads, that’s a perk of not shopping with your wife. She’s not there to command, “Only two!”
And so maybe I’m there on the floor relishing my haul and maybe I stand up and maybe my head gouges into the corner of a cabinet door above me that maybe I left open. And maybe I immediately drop to the floor clutching my head, wishing the dog would stop licking my hair. If I had a dog. Oh good, blood.
This is where marrying a nurse comes in handy. She determined I would need stiches and bandaged me up. We were 30 minutes from the start of kindergarten, so the morning proceeded in a semi-routine fashion.
After dropping my daughter off at school, the ER went pretty fast. No waiting, in and out in about 70 minutes. Six stitches for an inch-long cut. I infer from facial expressions and medical speak between my wife and the doctor that it was a fairly deep cut. Mmm, it was a delightful experience that could only be made better with a tetanus shot.
During the stitch-up, we lamented not bringing our daughter to the hospital because this would have been a fairly cool educational opportunity. Then we lamented not bringing a camera to at least document the process for her. And then at home we lamented forgetting about the camera on our cell phone. But hey, let’s not miss this opportunity to remind everyone that universal health care is a moral issue.
I can blame my wife for all of our missed opportunities this morning, what with me being busy nearly dying and all.
And you know, I’m kind of disappointed that I won’t be sporting a shaved lobotomy scar for the next month. I already talked up with my daughter how I would have to wear a hat everywhere I go. She’s going to be so disappointed.