Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
Thoughts on mechanically reclaimed chicken pressed into neat shapes
I’m inspired. A local-to-me blogger has a running bit where he points out the absurdities of food found at grocery stores simply by, uh, stating that they exist. There are two appropriate ways to react upon seeing these products in the light of day:
- What the hell?
- How lazy can people be?
So, now, I will reveal my fleshy underbelly once again by sharing with you my lazy, disgusting make-dinner-quick solution: mechanically reclaimed meat. I mean, chicken nuggets.
Oh, but not just any nuggets.
We eat a variety of processed chicken products, but big on the kids’ list are Dino Buddies by Yummy, or as we call them, Dino Bites. They are “dinosaur-shaped chicken breast patty fritters with rib meat.” It’s a product of Canada, so it’s like classy, you know. Canadians talk in accents and stuff, but they’re like still speaking our language. Spooky.
Dino Bites come in four classic extinct animal shapes – T-rex, stegosaurus, pterodactyl, and not-called-brontosaurus-anymore.
We’ve been buying Dinos at Costco, but as Costco always does, it eventually replaced our favored product with something even more inappropriate: Mickey Mouse nuggets. My mind wondered to thoughts of how Disney could raise baby chicks in molds so that the chicks grow to resemble Mickey Mouse’s head.
I just couldn’t get my mind around eating mouse meat, but apparently is appeals to people who visit Disneyland and want the joy of dining at overpriced theme park concession stands at home. Yep, they sell mouse nuggets at Disney theme parks, as well as mouse pizza.
Anyhow, with Costco making the dinosaurs extinct a second time, and Disney banned from our home, we moved onto Costco’s latest offering…
Chicken Breast Rings by Yummy. I swear. Canadians are like culinary gods.
The box describes the rings in the same terms as it did the Dino Bites: “chicken breast patty fritters with rib meat.” The whole circle-of-life imagery goes without saying, I guess. On the plus side, they taste exactly like Burger King’s innovative chicken fries, minus the overcooked burned taste.
Not that I make a habit of eating chicken fries, but my mother always nagged me as a child about not trying new foods, so whenever I see a new fast food product being advertised, I’ve got to try it at least once, ya know?
But in the end, Costco is a cruel temptress. As of this writing, both of our favored chicken delicacies have been withdrawn from the warehouse, while the mouse meat remains. So today we grab the good stuff at WinCo Foods.
I leave you now in the capable hands of the UK’s popular chef Jamie Oliver as he grosses out schoolkids by showing them how chicken nuggets are made…
My inspiration, from the Eureka Standard blog:
- Ham cracker chocolate bar lunch
- Philly steak & cheese, pizza rolls, bagel bites
- Pre-grated cheese
- Frozen White Castle burgers
- Jumbo bag of apple slices
- Breakfast bowls, Any’tizers, mini corn dogs, tater puffs
- Fully cooked bacon
- Frozen omelets, French toast sticks, pancake-sausage minis, de-crusted PB&J
- Pre-assembled hot dogs