Friday, July 24th, 2009
Three Gifts for New Mothers
Happy Uterus Plushie — At 11.5 inches wide, this terrycloth plushie could soak up some of the amniotic fluid, pee and blood that comes out during childbirth. The stains deposited would make your second uterus an instant keepsake.
Caution: the uterus is not for children. The eyes probably pop off when chewed. Cost: $21.
Utera Maxima — It’s 20 inches tall. It’s 29 inches wide. It’s 69 inches from fallopian tube to fallopian tube. And with super soft fleece, she’s great for snuggling.
If you have two kids, give them each an ovary and let them engage in a tug of war for your affection. Cost: $45.
Sew-On Uterus Patch — At 8 inches wide, this patch would make an ordinary cape wearer into Super Mom. Her super power is fallopian tubes of steel, brow-beating criminals into submission.
Dispel your penis envy once and for all by bringing your reproductive organs to the outside of your body with this uterine patch.
Warning: Despite the implications of the photo, your uterus is not a vending machine even though it does dispense. Cost: $4.50.
Breast Plushie — It’s a bonus gift for autumn mothers… an albino pumpkin boob. Just $30.