Comments on: Thoughts on birthday gifts, regifting and no-gifting

By: adrienne

adrienne — Mon, 18 May 2009 00:07:42 +0000

Why we host no gift parties (the extended play version):

http://babytoolkit.blogspot.com/2009/05/presence-not-presents-why-we-throw-no.html

By: mike

mike — Sun, 17 May 2009 15:42:37 +0000

I first heard of the book-exchange party idea on Slate a few years back. I’ve been emailing this article to people ever since. My daughter has only had parties with 1-2 friends thus far, so we haven’t had the chance to do a book party yet. But, with her 4th birthday looming (and the 15 friends from preschool we’ll need to invite), I’ll be using all of your tips to help me figure out how to structure the party’s gift policy.

The original Slate article:

http://www.slate.com/id/2135287/pagenum/all/

By: Ari

Ari — Sun, 17 May 2009 14:21:06 +0000

good point, Jen… i think the ‘no gifts please’ at the bottom of the invite is a nice gesture but rarely do 100% of the attendees ‘comply’..

i love the condor donation idea… how cute is that? as a follow up though, i think it is nice if the parents got an update email/letter saying ‘thank you for coming to Max’s birthday party. We are happy to announce that as his birthday gift, we were able to raise $150 to donate to Condor Conservation International.’ JUST so that there’s info on where the $ went.

I like the book theme party but that’s b/c I’m a big ol’ hokin’ nerd…. I dunno that my fellow mommies would ‘understand’ this… and we have not had a birthday yet so i’m worried about how to deal with this. I already have inlaws who over-spend on non-necessities (extra clothes and toys already at <8 months old- believe me, I’d rather have it go to the college fund since baby is NOT at a loss for his wardrobe.)

I gave a fellow mommy who had a 1 yr bday party last month 2 things: a board book and a sturdy wooden puzzle. Toys I Can Believe In.
(Not sure if fellow mommy liked the gifts. we’ll see.)

By: Jen

Jen — Sun, 17 May 2009 06:04:39 +0000

I did the no gift thing last year, almost everyone brought gifts anyway, which probably then made the people who didn’t a gift feel bad about not bringing a gift.

You can’t win no matter what you do…

By: Paul

Paul — Sat, 16 May 2009 17:53:15 +0000

> Usually the host says thank you and
> then tucks the item discreetly away
> to open later, which seems like a
> good approach in those situations
> (assuming you send a thank-you
> note after opening it, anyway).

KGS makes a great point here. If the people involved demonstrate grace and handle themselves in an (ahem) adult manner instead of being petty, the various misunderstandings or differences in tradition that people have shouldn’t be any source of problem or bad feelings.

By: Jill

Jill — Sat, 16 May 2009 02:40:47 +0000

I love the idea of the book exchange, but I do sympathize with the idea that kids should not expect to GET something at a party at which they are guests. We have been moving in the direction of CD mixes as party favors, not only because it doesn’t cost us much to make them, but also because it’s different from what other kids give out and it is clearly homemade/shows thought. (Plus, we’re big theme people, so it’s an easy way to carry it through — pirate music for the 5th birthday, Olympic music for his 6th, etc.) My son’s favorite part of getting ready for his party is creating the goody bags — a few pieces of candy in keeping with the theme, and making/burning/decorating the CDs. I have never given CDs as birthday gifts, though — and now I will remember that idea! :)

By: KGS

KGS — Fri, 15 May 2009 22:43:36 +0000

I really like both versions of the book birthday party. AJ, I don’t think you should feel guilty about your version. Most kids enjoy receiving gifts on their birthdays no matter what the presents actually are, and wanting your daughter to feel the excitement of opening her stack of wrapped books sounds just fine to me, especially as she’ll also be a part of giving any duplicates to someone who needs them. It’s not until we’re much older than 5 that we start to feel bummed that people have spent money buying us gifts we don’t need or want. I think your version of the book party sounds like a perfect compromise between the traditional gift-giving most of us feel comfortable with at a child’s party, and a less wildly consumerist approach a lot of us *wish* were traditional.

I’ve been to adult parties with a “no gifts” request some guests ignored. Usually the host says thank you and then tucks the item discreetly away to open later, which seems like a good approach in those situations (assuming you send a thank-you note after opening it, anyway).

By: Amber

Amber — Fri, 15 May 2009 22:42:35 +0000

Attending a birthday party at which you both bring and receive a “gift” (used or not) seems like an invitation for disaster and a missed learning experience. What if those kids then expect that they will get something at every birthday party they attend? And, then, also missing out on the chance to say “See how happy your gift made her? You made her feel special on her special day. Doesn’t it make you feel good?”

Maybe that sounds rotten and materialistic, but there are lots of times in life when others will get and your child will not. They need to learn how to be gracious and happy for those others, even if they are sad they didn’t get something themselves.

Just my take.

As to the “to gift or not to gift”, I wouldn’t feel at all upset if someone said to me “we’d like to do only learning toys this year” or something similar. You’re not beating them over the head with “We will accept only this or this”, but expressing your desire not to get, say, a bratz doll and certainly upping your odds and getting something you deem appropriate for Little Miss.

By: Allison

Allison — Fri, 15 May 2009 21:20:35 +0000

Lots for me to think about in this post and the comments! So far we have mostly avoided the birthday party thing. We have been invited to a few and we have not invited anyone other then family to our son’s celebrations.

I really like the book exchange idea and might file that away for future use. Kids do like unwrapping stuff so I would probably do the wrapped books.

Another idea I heard somewhere was to base a party off the story of Stone Soup. Each guest would bring an ingredient for the soup or something to eat with the soup and then at the party you can tell the story, make the soup and eat the soup.

For the few parties we have been invited to so far I have pretty much stuck with gifts that you can always use more of. So age appropriate art supplies, play-dough or books. I also include something handmade. I knit and sew so for babies I generally knit a hat. For toddlers I have been sewing crayon holders and art aprons.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:28:29 +0000

I’ve struggled with this myself. The Bear turned 5 in March and we’ve never had a party involving kids from school/daycare. One of the main reasons is the present thing, I don’t want people who really don’t know her to buy gifts. Too many parents just run into Toys r Us or some other toy dept. and just get “what a young girl is supossed to be in to” – because that’s what’s on the pink shelves. That just ain’t happening in our house. When she’s invited to parties we usually go with great kid’s music, giving a CD, but we always ask her if she knows what the kid likes and we try to be as thoughtful as possible, even within the music choice.