Top Five Must-Have Baby Products

5. Infant motorcycle helmet — Let your newest family member know the thrill of riding as he travels in style, comfort and ultimate protection with the only full-face infant motorcycle helmet on the market. Its new lightweight design, advanced venting technology and absorbent liner mean a comfortable ride even during those forgot-to-burp-him moments.

4. Recycled nipple cream — Admit it ladies. The thought has come up as you wipe excess cream off your dry, chapped baby-loving nipples at the end of a long day. “It’s too bad all this extra cream has to go to waste. Couldn’t someone use it?” Now you can help mothers in underdeveloped countries where breastfeeding is a requirement, not a choice because they can’t afford nutritious and convenient baby formula. You’ve gone the extra mile with the extravagance of breastfeeding, so go a little further. Our nipple cream comes with a sanitary swab, storage receptable and pre-paid return shipping container. Make a better world, one day at a time.

3. Gently used pacifiers — As misguided parents everywhere discard perfectly good pacifiers out of a reactionary fear of Bisphenol A, an opportunity presents itself. Help avert the environmental disaster of non-biodegradable silicone-and-plastic pacifiers being entombed in our landfills by reusing them! Just boil our BPA-fortified pacifiers in water for 5 minutes to sanitize and release some of that delicious BPA. Buy once, use again and again. Remember, the US Food and Drug Administration says BPA is safe, and the government would never lie to you.

2. Infant travel catheter — Neonatal incontinence afflicts 100 percent of newborn children. Any mother will tell you babies urinate more often than they poop. Reduce your daily usage of diapers by changing only poopy ones. Join the parenting revolution as you hook your son or daughter up to an infant catheter and see that pee drain safely into your favorite used plastic water or juice bottle. Using fewer diapers is good for the planet and great for your pocket book.

1. Baby Bullhorn — Young ones scream when they feel they’re not being heard, a situation that all too often leads to an inflamed larynx. Studies show that laryngitis leads to speech delay. Guarantee your child’s first words are heard early and loud with the Baby Bull Horn, now with an easy-grip handle. Batteries not included.


4 Responses to “Top Five Must-Have Baby Products”

  1. F. says:

    AJ proves it again. 98% of the reason why people buy baby products is clever marketing. I loved the lines about neonatal incontinence and how studies show if you don’t use the baby bullhorn you are risking a speech delay. Excellent work!

    May 21st, 2009 at 8:50 am

  2. Jennifer says:

    Okay, are these real products because some of these sound unreal…and there’s no link on them.

    Or did you come up with these crazy ideas yourself? Because then we might have to play fame or shame and, unfortunately, I can see people actually falling for it.

    May 21st, 2009 at 10:24 pm

  3. Mary says:

    The links wont work for me either!

    May 22nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm

  4. AJ says:

    Yes, yes, it’s a bogus spoof article. The thought of recycled pacifiers entered my head and I ran with the idea. I turned the product names blue and underlined them for extra effect.

    That it may be difficult to distinguish between real and fake products is a testament to the absurdity of the baby product market. I concede the need to identify future spoof articles with a disclaimer. I’ve only written one other spoof, the baby puke T-shirt.

    My apologies to anyone who felt misled.

    May 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm

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