Three Cures for Bald Babies

It’s not a problem I’m familiar with. Virility runs in my family. Hirsutism is my wife’s middle name.

But I hear that infant balding is a real dilemma. It’s a stigmatizing trauma that has lifelong repercussions — shyness, depression, body image issues, loss of libido, and the not being picked as a finalist in the Regis and Kelly Beautiful Baby Contest — a tragedy in itself.

Since so-called experts began demanding parents put babies to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS, there’s been an epidemic of uncontrolled hair loss as the backs of heads rub on bed sheets.

If you do not act today, your baby will grow up to be a wallflower, standing against the wall at high school dances out of a paralyzing fear that the back of his or her head might be seen. And let’s not even get into the thousands of dollars spent on hats.

What is a caring parent to do? Here are the three best options:

Photo of a pink Infant Hair Protector headrest attached to a crib mattress and an infant car seat.

1. Infant Hair Protector by Baby Walton LLC is a satin headrest to help prevent infant baldness. Each kit comes with a large 15 x 29 inch and small 8 x 8 inch headrest with ties for securing to your crib, car seat, carrier, bassinet, bouncer, stroller, swing or toddler bed.

The satin smoothness “is designed to reduce the amount of friction that causes breakage and shedding of infants’ hair, thus preventing the common bald spot that often occurs.” It’s $25 and comes in blue, pink or cream.

Photo of four toupees on four babies.

2. Baby Toupees by Small Human LLC are “small wigs for small people.” Sized for infants from 1- to 9-months-old, they come in four styles with nudge nudge wink wink product names: The Donald (Trump), The Bob (Marley), The Lil Kim, and The Samuel L. (Jackson). Instant stardom can be had for a mere $22. At the moment, shipping is free in the US and $25 for international orders.

Check out this TV news report about Baby Toupees:

Related wigginess: baby wigs surfaced as an idea in a 1990 episode of TV’s Designing Women.

Photo of a baby with a small amount of hair next to the same baby wearing a pink Baby Bangs hairband with lots of hair.

3. Baby Bangs by Worldwide are made for little girls who are mistaken for boys. Or as the company says, “for the girl who has everything — except hair.” Each pink headband comes preconfigured with girlish hair. Simple, eh? Pricing is not available because Baby Bangs are not yet on the market, but it is reportedly slated to appear in 2009. View additional images in a retailer gallery.

The company’s Youtube channel has a bunch of similarly themed videos showcasing its hair pieces…

Also see: my own boy in a clown wig.

After reflecting upon these products, it strikes me that the saddest thing about bald babies is the loss of cherished family memories. If news of these three products has found you too late, give your keepsake photos a once-over with a fine tip Sharpie marker for the sake of posterity. Erase this unfortunate episode in your child’s life so that he never knows of his embarrassing beginning.

Don’t you agree?

Comments

13 Responses to “Three Cures for Bald Babies”

  1. My Boaz's Ruth says:

    no.

    January 9th, 2009 at 6:39 am

  2. Sara says:

    HA! Hilarious, and to be quite honest, a little creepy. A wig on a baby? Not for Halloween or a joke? Yike. My grandmother does sleep with a satin pillowcase so as not to disturb her perfectly coiffed hair. She swears by it, but for a baby? My 3-mo-old daughter has a huge bare patch on the back of her head. It never really occurred to me that this was a “problem.” Soon enough her hair will grow. I guess in the meantime she will just have to be scarred for life.

    January 9th, 2009 at 7:53 am

  3. Christy says:

    i am often frustrated with my daughter’s “Rooster Tail” after she gets out of the carseat. It is ALWAYS tangled. I hoped when she got older, it would get better, but no such luck. She’s three and still roots her head on the back of the seat.

    Now, I’m not so sure that I would pay good money for something to protect her ‘do, but I can understand why it’s so frustrating. If her hair was of the super tangly sort, I might have to invest in the “satin pillow cover” like my granny.

    January 9th, 2009 at 8:20 am

  4. Christy B. says:

    My son looked like a Franciscan monk because he would move his head from side to side while waking up (incidentally he would only sleep in his car seat). It was pretty funny.

    January 9th, 2009 at 10:51 am

  5. Mama Peach says:

    You have to teach your bald baby (or toddler) to hold his or her head up high and work it.

    Seriously, what a well-timed article. My lovely daughter had her VERY first haircut yesterday. Ever. At age 3 1/2. She has just never had an abundance of hair.

    The haircutting place has a ‘baby’s first haircut’ kit where you get a certificate and a lock of your child’s hair for keepsake. It says it’s for 18 months and under. The lady cutting her hair had the certificate and curl all ready for us at the cash when we went to pay (I didn’t ask for it). It thought that was nice because surely my daughter is not the only child to have a haircut later than 18 months?

    The above products are just creepy and the silk doesn’t seem safe. Just keep your kids off their backs as much (they seem to go from crib to bouncy to swing to carseat to stroller these days, of course their hair takes a beating) and you won’t get that horrible bald line.

    January 11th, 2009 at 5:47 am

  6. Amber says:

    LMAO.

    How utterly silly and vain. :D

    January 11th, 2009 at 9:24 am

  7. Amber says:

    …on the other hand, if these people would use it as an alternative to causing their infant to be in pain from ear piercings, maybe that would be a good thing.

    At least the toupes are pain-free.

    January 11th, 2009 at 9:26 am

  8. lisa says:

    I agree with Amber on her first comment. My daughter has had some balding for a time when she was an infant and it eventually grew out. I didn’t realize as in your commentary that it would be a life long issue. She seems to be fine at 3 yrs old. Her hair is down to her back and has yet to have had her hair officially cut. The wigs are creepy and vain. Of all the things that parents should worry about today it’s sad that a little patch of skin should consume them so….Seems irresponsible to spend what little money this country has on items like these…how about saving for some useful books or college? Besides these wigs would never had stayed on my babies’ heads…they would have grabbed them off and started chewing on them…..this baby industry makes me ill….

    January 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm

  9. Jen says:

    As a mother of two baldies (barely had any hair until about 18 months)… I saw those wigs before and thought they were hilarious!!!! as a gag of course! I seriously doubt anyone would put that on their child in public for real.

    Mama Peach… you are not alone… my daughter will be 4 years old in March and she has yet to have a haircut. I do want to take her soon, to trim the ends, but we haven’t gone yet!

    January 11th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

  10. Patti says:

    I guess I have no right to comment. Progeny secundus had the decency to bald into a mohawk. Rock on.

    January 12th, 2009 at 10:09 am

  11. Mama Peach says:

    Jen – the only reason I took her for a haircut was just that, to trim the ends because with our fleece winter hats, I take it off and her hair turns into a staticy, tangled mess! I never would have cut her hair otherwise! :)

    January 14th, 2009 at 8:17 am

  12. hilda says:

    I agree with Jen and Amber it is just not right what would we show our kids. Making them wear wigs since there babies we have enough things to worry about, what size to be if they are short or to tall….

    March 12th, 2009 at 6:11 pm

  13. SaraJae says:

    I think the Baby Toupes are just for fun and as a joke, but to me BabyBangs are more realistic and more creative, this is actually hair attached to a head band wow! I’m really amazed! I think it is adorable and a lot of pageant mommies will be fighting over this hot new invention!

    March 21st, 2009 at 2:37 pm

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