Friday, January 9th, 2009
Three Cures for Bald Babies
It’s not a problem I’m familiar with. Virility runs in my family. Hirsutism is my wife’s middle name.
But I hear that infant balding is a real dilemma. It’s a stigmatizing trauma that has lifelong repercussions — shyness, depression, body image issues, loss of libido, and the not being picked as a finalist in the Regis and Kelly Beautiful Baby Contest — a tragedy in itself.
Since so-called experts began demanding parents put babies to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS, there’s been an epidemic of uncontrolled hair loss as the backs of heads rub on bed sheets.
If you do not act today, your baby will grow up to be a wallflower, standing against the wall at high school dances out of a paralyzing fear that the back of his or her head might be seen. And let’s not even get into the thousands of dollars spent on hats.
What is a caring parent to do? Here are the three best options:
1. Infant Hair Protector by Baby Walton LLC is a satin headrest to help prevent infant baldness. Each kit comes with a large 15 x 29 inch and small 8 x 8 inch headrest with ties for securing to your crib, car seat, carrier, bassinet, bouncer, stroller, swing or toddler bed.
The satin smoothness “is designed to reduce the amount of friction that causes breakage and shedding of infants’ hair, thus preventing the common bald spot that often occurs.” It’s $25 and comes in blue, pink or cream.
2. Baby Toupees by Small Human LLC are “small wigs for small people.” Sized for infants from 1- to 9-months-old, they come in four styles with nudge nudge wink wink product names: The Donald (Trump), The Bob (Marley), The Lil Kim, and The Samuel L. (Jackson). Instant stardom can be had for a mere $22. At the moment, shipping is free in the US and $25 for international orders.
Check out this TV news report about Baby Toupees:
Related wigginess: baby wigs surfaced as an idea in a 1990 episode of TV’s Designing Women.
3. Baby Bangs by Worldwide are made for little girls who are mistaken for boys. Or as the company says, “for the girl who has everything — except hair.” Each pink headband comes preconfigured with girlish hair. Simple, eh? Pricing is not available because Baby Bangs are not yet on the market, but it is reportedly slated to appear in 2009. View additional images in a retailer gallery.
The company’s Youtube channel has a bunch of similarly themed videos showcasing its hair pieces…
Also see: my own boy in a clown wig.
After reflecting upon these products, it strikes me that the saddest thing about bald babies is the loss of cherished family memories. If news of these three products has found you too late, give your keepsake photos a once-over with a fine tip Sharpie marker for the sake of posterity. Erase this unfortunate episode in your child’s life so that he never knows of his embarrassing beginning.
Don’t you agree?