Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
Baby Bum Casting Kit: Keepsake of a Lifetime
Capture your baby’s posterior for all posterity. That’s right. The Baby Bum Casting Kit by Sanoma Innovations allows you to create a three-dimensional plaster cast of your baby’s butt.
Why would you want to do this?
- To embarrass your future teenager.
- To place it alongside your growing child’s derrière every year to reflect on how much he has grown.
- To start off your child’s trophy collection, with his heinie one day sitting alongside his Heisman.
Making a rear replica is easy! You merely overlap wet medical-grade plaster strips on bare buttocks, finishing in about 3 to 5 minutes. Then you allow the strips to dry for another 3 to 5 minutes.
During this period you pray that your infant, amid the excitement of having cold pastiness applied to his butt, doesn’t reflexively empty his bowels into the confined space you just created over his exit hole.
Have you changed a breastfed baby’s diaper on Volcano Day? It’s like the spigot on a restaurant’s self-serve softie ice cream dispenser spontaneously popping off as a bubbling green milkshake pours out over your dessert dish, onto the floor and over your shoes as you throw napkin dispensers at the machine trying to slow the river of sludge while screaming, “My God, sweet Jesus, make it stop!”
What’s the saying? There are no atheists at changing tables.
Anyhow, after the plaster has hardened you lift it off, and shazam, you have a cheeky keepsake.
You’re probably thinking, “Oh, don’t sensationalize things.” A butt cast is no different than a hand or foot keepsake, right?
No. Sorry. That’s where you’re wrong. It’s better. If you consort with parents who love to model and display baby extremities in their homes, you instantly upstage them with your tasteful tookus. “Hands and feet are so pedestrian,” you say as they gaze upon your artful ass. That’s pronounced “ahhh-sss” by the way, because it’s art.
And I do mean art, because retailers suggest decorating those fleshy dimples with paint, dried flowers or even a poem inscribed over both cheeks. Throw it in a shadow box. Fancy fanny!
Be sure not to miss the company’s gluteal gallery, albeit a plain au gratin treatment.
Okay, okay, I’m done. No more wordplay until a Father-Son Casting Kit hits the market.