Mommy Box: Test Tube Babies Raised by Boob Tubes

Welcome to the 23rd century.

The following invention looks like something out of the science fiction epic Logan’s Run, brought to us from a dystopian future where sex is only for pleasure, everyone is born as a test tube baby and no one is raised by parents.

In 1988, a visionary inventor saw the future and created the Mommy Box. He gave it a plain, boring patent title, but Mommy Box is the name I would give this thing if it were my brainchild.

Patent diagram showing a baby lying on its back in a crib looking at a<br />
box hung from the crib wall. The box is displaying a picture of a<br />
woman's face.

Step 1. Place baby in crib. In the future, we’ll have androids perform this menial task.

Step 2. Hang the Mommy Box in the crib. In the future we’ll call them child storage units.

Step 3. When baby cries, an attentive microphone notices and the Mommy Box lights up to display a picture of the mother’s smiling, comforting face. A pre-recorded custom message is played to sooth the infant back to sleep.

In the future we’ll use a genericized image of a scientifically optimized face that is most conducive to reassuring disgruntled infants.

The Mommy Box is actually two things. When not active, it functions as a mirror. But, it is a semi-reflective mirror like the ones used in police interrogation rooms. Inside the box is a light positioned behind a mother’s picture that is printed on thin transparent film. When the light activates, the mirror’s reflection dissolves and the mother’s face is visible.

A toggle allows its operator to adjust how sensitive the surrogate box should be when responding to noises in the room. A second toggle controls how many minutes the Mommy Box watches over the baby each time the baby cries.

But wait, there’s more!

The inventor received a second patent six years later for an updated model. See the difference?

Patent diagram very similar to the one shown earlier on this page of a baby in a crib looking at a picture of a woman in a box that is hung on the crib wall. However, this image is slightly different, particularly regarding features of the woman's face.

I mean besides mom’s nip and tuck around the eyes and cheeks.

The patent was updated to include a provision that a video camera could be included in the box, allowing the operator to see and hear the baby via, presumably, a hand-held remote monitor while her baby looks at the backlit photograph. The operator can then speak to the baby, overriding the pre-recorded message. Better yet, the mother unit is Internet-enabled.

I was just kidding about the whole Logan’s Run connection, but check this out. In 1999, the same inventor patented a baby doll packaged in a test tube. Pull the doll out and it inflates to normal size.

Patent diagram of a baby doll inserted in test tube-like packaging and a much larger baby doll not in packaging.

Want one, don’t ya?

Comments

7 Responses to “Mommy Box: Test Tube Babies Raised by Boob Tubes”

  1. kidletnation.blogspot.com says:

    I guess my ‘mommy box’ is my laptop.
    I’ll find a prettier photo for the case I guess.

    October 20th, 2008 at 4:15 pm

  2. brandy says:

    “Greetings, Baby. Please return to a resting state. Thank you for your cooperation.”

    Geez, I would think that could scare a poor infant! Note that in the second picture, the baby has gone bald from fright. (Or neglect.)

    October 20th, 2008 at 9:36 pm

  3. gertie says:

    Because all it takes is a few soothing words to get a baby back to sleep….

    October 20th, 2008 at 10:31 pm

  4. Allison (CodeCrafter) says:

    That’s creepy…

    …Oh and I don’t think you are thinking of Logan’s Run. Brave New World was the one that made a big deal about sex and test tube babies raised without parents. Logan’s run was the one where they killed people when they turned 21. (30 in the movie version). Although that might have had test tube babies too now that I think about it.

    October 21st, 2008 at 8:29 am

  5. AJ says:

    I’m not familiar with Brave New World, will have to check it out.

    True, Logan’s Run was not about test tube babies, but it was an aspect of their culture. Once out in the real world, Logan was fascinated at the concept of, not only people growing old, but that people knew their parents and were raised by them.

    October 21st, 2008 at 8:38 am

  6. Allison (CodeCrafter) says:

    Ah Brave New World is an interesting book. Very very dystopian though. To call someone a Mother is a high insult, everyone is on drugs, the society is a ridged caste system and consumerism has totally run amok.

    I must admit it has been a really long time since I read the book Logan’s Run but I do remember something about no parents. The movie stands out in my mind more :) I think a new one is slated for 2010.

    October 21st, 2008 at 2:43 pm

  7. Dutch says:

    Perhap Huxley’s Brave New World is a better choice than Logan’s Run; cool 70′s hair aside.

    October 23rd, 2008 at 11:08 am

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