Monday, October 20th, 2008
Mommy Box: Test Tube Babies Raised by Boob Tubes
Welcome to the 23rd century.
The following invention looks like something out of the science fiction epic Logan’s Run, brought to us from a dystopian future where sex is only for pleasure, everyone is born as a test tube baby and no one is raised by parents.
In 1988, a visionary inventor saw the future and created the Mommy Box. He gave it a plain, boring patent title, but Mommy Box is the name I would give this thing if it were my brainchild.
Step 1. Place baby in crib. In the future, we’ll have androids perform this menial task.
Step 2. Hang the Mommy Box in the crib. In the future we’ll call them child storage units.
Step 3. When baby cries, an attentive microphone notices and the Mommy Box lights up to display a picture of the mother’s smiling, comforting face. A pre-recorded custom message is played to sooth the infant back to sleep.
In the future we’ll use a genericized image of a scientifically optimized face that is most conducive to reassuring disgruntled infants.
The Mommy Box is actually two things. When not active, it functions as a mirror. But, it is a semi-reflective mirror like the ones used in police interrogation rooms. Inside the box is a light positioned behind a mother’s picture that is printed on thin transparent film. When the light activates, the mirror’s reflection dissolves and the mother’s face is visible.
A toggle allows its operator to adjust how sensitive the surrogate box should be when responding to noises in the room. A second toggle controls how many minutes the Mommy Box watches over the baby each time the baby cries.
But wait, there’s more!
The inventor received a second patent six years later for an updated model. See the difference?
I mean besides mom’s nip and tuck around the eyes and cheeks.
The patent was updated to include a provision that a video camera could be included in the box, allowing the operator to see and hear the baby via, presumably, a hand-held remote monitor while her baby looks at the backlit photograph. The operator can then speak to the baby, overriding the pre-recorded message. Better yet, the mother unit is Internet-enabled.
I was just kidding about the whole Logan’s Run connection, but check this out. In 1999, the same inventor patented a baby doll packaged in a test tube. Pull the doll out and it inflates to normal size.
Want one, don’t ya?