It is interesting the impact your experience with death as a child effects your parenting. When I was around 4 years old I was visiting my grandparents on their farm. I remember a lot of commotion and sadness as someone died while I was visiting. A good old fashion wake was held at my grandparents. I can still vividly recall to this day playing with Barbie and looking over Barbie’s head to keep an eye on the dead guy laid out on the dining room table (for 2 days he was laid out). It had been explained to me that he had gone to sleep and was never going to wake up again. For a long time when ever someone fell asleep at home I would shake them and ask them if they were dead. I also know I never napped after that trip either.

I was in high school when my grandmother passed on and one day, I was charged with watching my younger cousins as our parents were making funeral arrangements. I bought them each a helium balloon on which to write a message for our grandmother before releasing them to the sky. Not sure if it helped give them closure, but it sure helped me feel better.

My daughter (3 at the time): “Does everybody have to die?”

Me: “Yes.”

Daughter: “Even me?”

Me (flop-sweating): “Not for a long long long LONG time…”

Daughter: “And you?”

Me: “Well, yes – and I want it to be a long time from now, too, so I try very hard to eat food that’s good for me.”

Daughter: “Like ice cream?”

Me: “Oh, don’t I wish. Ice cream is okay once in a while, though.”

Daughter: “When can I have ice cream again?”

Me: “Tomorrow night.”

Daughter: “WAAAAAAH…”

Me (to myself): (What the hell? We got past her death and mine but she’s wigging out over the ice cream. Now my wife’s PO’d too because our son heard the crying and woke up. Can I go hide in a corner now? With a beer?)

When our daughter was 2 1/2, one of our dogs suddenly and unexpectedly died. A couple of months later, her great-grandfather passed. And then this past week, her other great-grandfather passed. We have used these experiences to teach her about death because she has been very interested and wants to know. Toddlers have good questions, and they want good answers.

Some may not approve of our method, but our explanation and discussions about death have been inspired by the Native American folklore portrayed in the animated movie called “Brother Bear.”

We discuss how the departed go to be with the spirits up in the sky, and that they turn into spirits to watch over us. At the gravesite yesterday, I explained to her that her great-grandfather was in the coffin and that he was going to have a long rest in the cemetery. I told her we wouldn’t see him anymore. That he was a spirit and could see us, but we couldn’t see him. That led her to inquire about the other people resting in the cemetery and whether they were spirits too.

We don’t mention heaven or God, but that is just our personal choice. Whenever she watches Brother Bear, she talks to us about how one of the characters becomes a spirit and she can visually see how that happens as it is portrayed in the movie. It makes sense to her, and to us too. And she can see how it may result in some sadness, but good comes of it too.

We plan to do teach the same to our son when he is a little older too.

My father-in-law is a mortician in a small town. He travels to our town to pick up grave markers and caskets.

Lately, whenever we are on a car trip, Henry points out a house and says, “People in that house are getting ready to die, and Grampa Jim will come take care of their bodies and bury them.”

Then, we usually go into a discussion about the eco-system.

He attended his great-grandmother’s funeral in the summer, and took part in the burial by dropping a photo on top of the casket. At the time we explained that “Granny” didn’t need her body any more, so we put it in the ground so that it could turn into dirt that would feed the grass and flowers. We explained the circle of life as: bodies become dirt, dirt feeds the plants, plants feed the animals, and eventually animals die and become dirt again.

We’ve asked my son what kind of animal he would like his body to become a part of. Sometimes he likes the idea, and sometimes is against it. Mostly though he just wants reassurance that it’s not going to happen today.

Like you, AJ, we talk about community safety and the fact that he will probably (emphasis on the probably) live a long time… but it’s hard to know exactly how to handle the question.