Interesting point about pirates. It’s the whole pirate-sword thing that first raised the concept of “kill” in our family. We have girls and we try to be pretty gender-neutral, but it wasn’t until we were around a bunch of boys (I hate to say it, but it’s true) that this whole pirate/kill thing came to light. It was pretty shocking to see my 5yo pointing a pretend sword at another child saying “I’m going to cut you!”, but the shock passed after a few seconds and I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I find if you do, they they only do it more. My girls are being taught the difference between right and wrong, and a little “pretend pirate play” every once in a while, even with “pretend killing”, is okay. Nothing has gotten out of hand…yet. :-)

On manners, I completely agree. We are a “please/thank you” family. We model polite behavior, we expect it of our kids. Not only that but from the time they could talk my kids said “I beg your pardon” (which even strangers have commented on) and “May I please be excused.” My five-year-old says “No thanks, I don’t care for that, but I’m happy to eat the other things on my plate” instead of “YUCK!”

Thanks for keeping the discussion going.

Yes, people do smile when they hear a 3 year old use manners…because it, unfortunately, is a rarity these days.

As for the pleases, I have to admit, I am guilty of not always saying please (especially when asking for a bag at the store); but I do make sure that when I am asking something out of the ordinary from someone, I do say please. When delegating tasks to my employees, I make sure to say please (and thank you when it’s done). If my husband is in the kitchen a simple “honey could you PLEASE bring me a glass of water”. I don’t see it as begging; it’s a matter of respect.

I find that you can never go wrong with teaching a child respect, and modeling it is the best way to teach it

Adding the please into the initial request makes me feel like I’m supplicating myself too much … I’m not asking the king or the judge to humble themselves to acknowledge my existance (i.e. may it please the court ….)

For instance, I see nothing wrong with asking my wife, “while you’re up, could I trouble you to get me some more XXXX” at dinner. And then when she says sure, I thank her even before she gets it. Then when she has given it, I thank again, with a flourish, i.e. “thank you ever so much.”

The ‘trouble you’ seems more genuine to me … I’m acknowledging that I’m asking her to make one more lap of the kitchen, or what not. To me, please is just an empty magic word that we force kids to say rather than teaching them to understand the impact of their request on someone else.

So – other than forcing toddlers to say please, how do you help teach the impact of the request on the requestee? Is my please-repulsion destined to make my daughter a toddler-pariah?

We generally get results from consistently modeling preferred behavior and following the same path as you… must say please and thank you. If our oldest hurts the youngest by playing too rough he must go play by himself for a while after apologizing. No hitting allowed. No pushing. No kicking anything but a ball, outside. General rules but they work. The hardest thing is keeping on track with my husband, making sure we both are following the same path.

I like the way the pirates demise was handled… going to bookmark that one.