Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
Twelve Unfortunate Toddler Halloween Costumes
We did a baby costume roundup first; now it’s time for toddlers.
Viva PiÃ±ata Horse â€” That’s the kid on the left, wearing a piÃ±ata costume. On the right is Bamm-Bamm from the Flintstones carrying a nice big faux wooden bat. What is stranger, a child dressed as a piÃ±ata, or a girl dressed as Bamm-Bamm?
Dr. Kill Joy â€”
This wonderful costume helps convey to your 3- or 4-year-old that doctors should rightly be feared. How better to depict a doctor than
with a blood-stained lab coat and mask, and a jumbo syringe?
Infant Economy SWAT Team â€” Forget cops and robbers. Kids these days play cops and constitutionalists. One side shouts and carries signs. The other side beats anyone who steps outside the free speech quarantine zone. This costume is labeled “economy” because it doesn’t come with the pictured night stick, nor pepper spray, tear gas, riot shield, Taser or beanbag gun. You can however buy a SWAT accessory belt containing handcuffs, a nightstick, a police radio, a flashlight and a pistol.
The costume starts at 2T, but Aeromax makes a 3T Junior SWAT version complete with a baton weapon.
Jungle Fighter â€” Does your 2- to 4-year-old want to look like Sylvester Stallone in the Rambo films or Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator? Why choose? This costume has elements of both heroes!
Hey, I’m talking to you, the bad parent who didn’t flinch at the word hero. It’s because of you that I fear for the survival of our species.
Future American Idol â€” How can I crack a joke about this one without offending most of my readers, and a few of my daughter’s friends’ parents? I’m talking about parents who watch American Idol with their toddlers. Hmm, maybe a Bible verse. Jesus wept.
Friendly Ghost Child â€” We’re pushing the definition of toddler here with a costume that starts at 4T. I just have one question. How inept does a parent have to be to pay $16 plus shipping for this ghost costume when you could go to K-Mart and buy a flat sheet, fitted sheet and two pillow cases for $8?
Use your kid’s markers to draw a smiley face on the flat sheet. You could screw it up and still use the fitted sheet. You could screw that up too, and still use a pillow case. As a last resort, you could hand the second pillow case to your kid and have him draw the smiley face.
Ghost Child â€” This costume is for sizes 7 through 10. I just wanted you to know that parenting will suck every last ounce of imagination from your brain, leaving you a hollow husk of your former self by your child’s seventh birthday.
Happy Hobo â€” Remember the old days when being homeless was nonstop fun? You just felt like tapping your toes wherever you went.
Showgirl â€” It’s the perfect outfit if your neighbors give out money instead of candy.
Oh, OK, showgirls are not strippers. They just dance on a stage wearing elaborate costumes that showcase their semi-clothed bodies. It’s still not number one on my list of costumes for dress-up play.
Lil Disco Toddler â€”
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I’m a woman’s man: no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I’ve been kicked around since I was born.
And now it’s all right â€“ it’s O.K. â€“
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
the New York Times’ effect on man.
Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin alive, stayin’ alive.