Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
Top 10 Products for New Dads
NBC’s Today Show recently aired a segment about the Top 10 Products for New Moms.
Why new moms instead of new parents? Because we dads are selfish egotistical meatheads, or at least that’s how we’ve been trained to think of ourselves. Here is a list of top 10 products for new dads as I imagine The Today Show (and umpteen other TV programs, newspaper articles and web sites) would view them, paired alongside the Today Show’s real, abbreviated list for moms.
1. Moms: A safe crib.
Dads: An inflatable mattress. Babies cry all the time. If your wife has mentioned the idea of "cosleeping," it means you’ll have a living alarm clock nestled between you and your wife in bed, screeching every two hours wanting food or a clean diaper or who knows what.
Putting the baby in a crib in another room isn’t much betterâ€”you’ll still wake to screeching and a cold draft of air as your wife gets in and out of bed every two hours. Buy an inflatable bed and sleep at the other end of the house for the next year.
2. Moms: Crib mattress.
Dads: A memory foam contour pillow. The baby will hog your wife’s attention when you get home from work, your dinner will arrive late to your plate, and you can forget about your evening foot massage. Babies are one big stress headache. The soft touch of a memory foam pillow is one small consolation for the disruption to your everyday life.
Now that I think of it, forget the inflatable mattress. It may leak over time and takes up too much space. Get yourself a memory foam foldable bed.
3. Moms: Sleep sack.
Dads Silk pajamas. Hey, men like soft fabrics too.
4. Moms: A good diaper bagâ€”preferably a diaper bag backpack.
Dads: A money belt, with clip attachments for your water bottle, keys and cell phone. Your wife just bought a fancy purse to carryâ€”get thisâ€”diapers. And that’s in addition to her existing purse where she gets to carry her water bottle, keys and cell phone. It’s time you got some of this action.
5. Moms: Diaper disposer/pail.
Urban Dads: Trash compactor. The baby gets exclusive waste storage gear, why not you? Buy spare Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca and C3-PO action figures on eBay and throw them in the compactor just to see what happens. Either way, your trash is turned into a solid block. How cool is that?
Suburban Dads: Riding lawn mower with mulching capability. Grasscycling is an eco-groovy excuse for leaving your grass clippings on the lawn, never bagging them. It’s supposed to make your lawn healthier. Who knew? Ride around the yard singing the clean-up song:
Clean up, clean up.
Clean up, clean up.
Everybody do your share!
6. Moms: The right stroller for your lifestyle.
Dads: A golf cart and a pick-up truck to transport the cart. You know your wife will be spending thousands on the baby, and a minivan is on the horizon. She can’t buy the minivan if you’ve already bought the golf cart and pick-up truck. It’s simple math.
7. Moms: Infant car seat.
Dads: A recliner with massager and armrest fridge. Be careful on this one. It’s a minefield. If your wife wants to breastfeed, she’ll get jealous and want her own nursing chair, forcing you to buy her a rocking chair. Conversely, if you talk up the idea of using baby formula, you avoid buying a second chair, but could get roped into feeding the baby. Proceed with caution.
8. Moms: Breast pump.
Dads: Portable urinal. This is a wide-mouth plastic bottle stored in your recliner’s arm rest so you don’t have to get up. You probably should be sitting upright during use though.
9. Moms: Pacifier.
Dads: Pacifier. This one is for the baby. It helps keep the baby quiet. Totally worth it, right?
10. Moms: Baby bathtub.
Dads: Portable DVD player for the shower. It’s the next best thing to soap on a rope.
These ten suggestions are provided in jest of course. What does it take to end our mass media’s social engineering that tells dads that only moms are supposed to be involved in the care and raising of a child?