Joey Umbilical Safety System

Cutting an umbilical cord is an act fraught with peril. If you’re a father-to-be, relax! Say hello to the Joey Umbilical Safety System by Vital Needs and Maternus.

Vital Needs is the company that solved canine diarrhea. Now it’s saving us from umbilical cords.

Marketing photo of the Joey Clamp on a baby, and below the photo are two photos of the clamp on a white background
The old fashioned way to separate mother and baby was to clamp one end of the cord, squeeze out blood, clamp the other end and then cut. That cut has the potential to expose the unsuspecting father to a spray of blood. In other words, dads, you might catch a disease from the woman with whom you’ve had Biblical relations.

The Joey is a plastic case that seals around the cord like a shield and slices with a single motion. Banking of cord blood is not hindered with the device.

Although the Joey is supposed to resemble a baby koala head, it’s the spitting image of the Grateful Dead teddy bear. Oh, and it’s available in six groovy colors.

The Joey gets locked in place on your baby, acting as a cord clamp, and goes home with you. That’s right… wait for it… wait for it… it’s a keepsake!

Oh, I kid. There is a serious side. Joey’s inventor has formed Joeyaid, a project aimed at bringing Joey to Africa. Why Africa? It seems the predominant tools used to cut umbilical cords in Africa are a razor blade and string. Joeyaid hopes to reduce HIV and Hepatitis C infections among African healthcare workers.

Bummer. Sorry to end this post on a reality downer.

Hey, how do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.

Ahh, that’s better.


2 Responses to “Joey Umbilical Safety System”

  1. lisa says:

    Baby koalas are also called joeys. Probably explains the name.

    August 16th, 2006 at 11:00 pm

  2. AJ says:

    Jeez, don’t go messing around with my perception of the universe.

    Oh, OK, I corrected the article. Thanks.

    Hey, do dingos have a nickname, or is their real name just funny enough?

    August 16th, 2006 at 11:17 pm

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